It also may be more comfortable for this listener to act in the face of distress rather than keep listening – it’s not easy to just sit with discomfort. Additionally, if one partner identifies strongly with the role of protector in the relationship, they may feel a strong urge to reduce their partner’s distress and discomfort by solving the problem. This type of listening is often utilized by action-oriented people who, in general, feel that problems or issues need to be resolved quickly. The assumption a problem-solving listener makes is thinking that when their partner complains about an issue, it’s because they want some advice in order to fix it. When using this type of listening, the person will listen just long enough to assess the situation, and then will start offering solutions. Problem-solving listening is aimed at figuring out what’s wrong and giving advice that will prompt the speaker towards action. empathic listening, and the frustrations couples go through when they are offering one, but the partner wants the other. Sarah was upset because she didn’t feel that he really understood how upset she was by the situation, and his advice didn’t address that either. Douglas was trying to be supportive by helping her deal with the situation. When she talked to Douglas about it, he listened and told her what he thought – that she should talk to her boss first to create a strategy on how to handle the situation, and only then talk to her colleague, etc. Sarah had a major conflict with a colleague at work and was very concerned about how it would affect their project. You talked to me about your work, and I listened and told you what I thought and we were really getting somewhere.” I could see that Sarah and Douglas had very different experiences of their recent conversation, so I asked a few more questions to try to get a better sense of why. He responds with, “I don’t understand – I thought we had a great conversation. He doesn’t have the capacity and I just don’t know what to do anymore.” Clearly, Sarah is very upset.ĭouglas, on the other hand, is visibly surprised by her words. I try to talk to him more about what’s happening with me, like we talked about in the other session, but it’s just not working. They sit down and immediately Sarah says, “I can’t get him to listen to me. Sarah and Douglas, a couple in their late 30’s, came to a couple’s session. By learning how to utilize both ways of listening and understanding when to use each type (and why), you and your partner will be primed to better understand and support each other. Oftentimes we get into conflict because we are not using the type of listening that is needed or expected by our partner, which can result in hurt feelings on both sides. You might be surprised to learn there are two different ways to listen to our partner – problem-solving listening and empathic listening.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |